My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
