I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
