He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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