Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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