Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
