I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
