question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
