Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
and you fell through a lawn chair
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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