He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
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He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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