I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
