I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
