dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
