we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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