My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
