someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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