Your face is a jimmy john
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
