when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
