She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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