oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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