Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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