you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
