Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
