when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
