someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
