I accidentally had phone sex last night
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
we're so committed to being not committed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
