Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
