just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
3pm strippers are depressing
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
