i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
