just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
