FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
