I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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