I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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