I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
