I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
