do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
