3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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