Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
