I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
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My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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