he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
