i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
