I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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