In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
