More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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