Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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