Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
