I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
