I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
