I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize