The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
