I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I stole a fireplace last night.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
