the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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