does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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