and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
