Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
