I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
