god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Two words: blizzard sex
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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