Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
