Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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